The Great Boffer and Evil Witch (an adult fantasy)

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The Great Boffer and Evil Witch (an adult fantasy)

The Great Boffer and Evil Witch – is a funny, somewhat sarcastic fantasy, about a handsome prince who is very successful with the ladies, who falls for an evil witch, and pays for it dearly  — not a good thing.  It’s a great story, somewhat ribald, totally tongue-in-cheek, and certainly NOT FOR THE KIDS!!!!!!!  It’s more of a story than a fantasy poem, so I’d put this one completely in the  “flash fiction” category.  Again:


The face of a frightening witch


The Great Boffer and the Evil Witch – an adult fairytale
copyright 2011 by jon gutmacher

Once upon a time
there was a handsome prince
He ruled fairly
and wisely
and was beloved of all his people
he was also kinda hot
and the local princesses
came from far and wide to meet him
hoping he would fall in love with them
and marry them
and take them into his castle
to live happily forever and ever

The prince
being no fool
took advantage of this amazing situation
and boffed every princess he could
in every way
in every position
and quite frankly
got very good at boffing
in fact
in more personal circles
he was known as “The Great Boffer”
and soon – word spread
that even if a princess was unsuccessful in getting the prince to marry her
it was still a worthwhile adventure
to meet . . . and even
be boffed by him
for a Royal Boff
is not a boff to be scorned

And so – for many years
the prince boffed on
but . . . As all things go
even for a prince
sooner or later you hit a dry spell
and the prince was left
boffless and unboffed for days . . .

no, not even days
but for weeks

Weeks of empty
boffless nights
and he pondered
“Why am I so boffless”?
“What foul thing has dared cause this?”

But little did he know
an evil witch
had long and secretly planned
this unholy bofflessness
and in this moment of weakness
did pounce upon the prince
and take advantage of his low spirits
and convinced him he would be happy with her
and that they could boff
every day
and every night
in boffing bliss

and so
being cast under her evil, vile spell
the unknowing prince
married the foul bitch
unaware of what was to befall

For the evil witch
sought only to torment the prince
and bring him down
and make the once proud Great Boffer
into no boffer, at all
slowly . . .
but relentlessly . . .
weaning him from boffing
with daily headaches and excuses
until the Great Boffer
Boffed no more
Wondering where it all had gone
and why he was now so utterly boffless

And the kingdom suffered
and the prince suffered
and all around things withered on the vine
for the curse of the evil witch
that foul cursed bitch
was complete

Now . . . even though her spell was powerful
The forces of good saw the unfairness of the plight of the prince
and decided to save him
and one night
through their intervention

the veil of the evil witch’s spell lifted
and the prince realized what had happened
and what the evil bitch had done to him
and the answer was clear
that he must leave the bitch
and find his life anew

And so he did
and although much of his kingdom was lost
in order to gain his new life
he was finally free of the vile bitch
and finally
once again
that smile touched his lips
that twinkle appeared in his eyes
and his near-to- dead boffer
came alive once more
ready to boff away the hours
of the untold number of princesses
still available
still hot
but perhaps
slightly older
but much, much more

And the kingdom rejoyed
for their handsome prince
was once again happy
and the land was happy
and fruitful
and the nightclubs
long empty and forlorn
once again filled with
joyous revelry
in honor of their once
fallen prince

And the moral to the story?

Well . . .
Beware of smiling princesses
with shapely legs
pouting lips
and perfect breasts
who say only what you want to hear
for their hearts may be black
and their powers mighty
whose true purpose
is but to render your once perfect days
into boffless nights
until their spell
at last
is unwoven

For not everything is what it seems to be
and so, fair Prince
lest an evil witch
snare you, like I
with her vile
evil spell

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